ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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