I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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