I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
did i walk over a car last night?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
