Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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