Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
