took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
