His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
