Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
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I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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