i just made my gag reflex go away.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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