So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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