Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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