2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Randomize
