nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I want a musical about memes.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
