If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
