I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
