Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
