I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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