I'm sorry my penis didn't work
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
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So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won