Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize