i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
