just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
