I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
