Pappa wants mamma naked
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
