between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
