I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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