piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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