so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
