I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
