i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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