If i come over, it means nothing
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
