I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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