You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
