We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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