Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
