Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Swine flu. Run for my life!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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