Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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