apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
