Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
