What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
