I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
