Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
