Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
