Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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