Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
