you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
