this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
