No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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