did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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