I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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