New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
