i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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