dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
