We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
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