I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
