Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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