just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
