it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
