my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
