I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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